Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
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