Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
Randomize
