hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
Landen experienced Greenville for the first time last night. He was awaken by 2 cops and 4 EMS guys this morning in the bed of that truck that is for sale at the swashbuckler carwash, said he was trying to walk to waffle house... Greenville- 1, Landen- 0
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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