The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
