I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Randomize
