I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
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