Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
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