You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
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