explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Randomize
