good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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