I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Randomize
