Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Randomize
