Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Randomize