Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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