Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Randomize
