We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
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