i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
