and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
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