Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
After last night, I could never be a politician.
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
I had to cum in my sink.
Randomize
