Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
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