Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
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