I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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