Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
