i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Randomize
