i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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