I cannot find my penis.
I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
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