i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
