How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
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