youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
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