we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Randomize
