I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Randomize
