i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
Im part way to drunk.
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Randomize
