These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
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