ya dads aren't the best wingmen
He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
this is amy. the small petlike person from the womens bathroom at the reef.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Randomize
