he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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