worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
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