well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
New major. Tourism Management. I dont know what it is but it sounds like something all the stupid slutty failed business management majors do.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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