Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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