Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
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