I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Randomize
