ive never been so in love with another man before, in a totally none sexual way... no homo
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
