It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
Randomize
