Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
