a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
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