Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Randomize
