soooo we both peed the bed last night...
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Randomize
