if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
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