I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
I never want to see another naked old woman again.
By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
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