Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Randomize