Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Randomize