My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
A good drinking club with a running problem, improves endurance in both I have observed this evening.
2 for 1 beer results in multiples of 2 so what should be a beer or two becomes 4 or 6. But running, alleviates the need for a DD.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
Randomize
