awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
Randomize
