so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
