A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Let's paint friendship bongs
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
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