her vagina looked like bernie madoff
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
I Think it is all interconnected. Emma caused most of the nakedness
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
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