I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
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