Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
Randomize
