i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
Randomize
