wakey wakey hands off snakey
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
